backwards

almost always I find myself nodding in agreement to Meredith Grey’s realization. This week’s episode, Save Me, was all about faith…

"But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely,
because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that
one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. At the
end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t
really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is
slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a
castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after — just
that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon,
people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your
breath away."

There are things that I leave to faith and hope… Until now, there are things that I hope would come true someday. But there are also things that I am losing hope and faith in. But as what Grey has said, "faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you dont really expect it."

These past few days, I am losing my faith in myself… in the path that I have chosen. But then, yesterday, while spending time with my advisees Ive realized that I might have chosen a difficult path but surely it is something fulfilling. I may have a lot of responsibilities on my shoulder because of this decision… but it is making me a better person. I am learning a lot of things from my students… At times, I see life through their eyes. I couldnt help but be amazed of how they live their lives.

When I was in HS, my concerns are unimportant things like what will I get on my birthday and christmas. I never had any family and financial problems back then (well, only until I reached my last year in HS). I can say I am lucky because I didnt have to deal with big problems when I was a teenager (which I only came face to face with when I reached college…)

I am slowly understanding the reason why God has placed me here… lead me here.

Yey, I can listen to Yahoo Launchcast again! I miss YM Launchcast. I used to listen to their stations almost everyday. I am staying up for nothing… Hay bad! I should be resting right now.

Once I told one of my classes that life is actually simple… It’s just that we often make things complicated. We oftentimes make a hole out of a dot. Tonight’s episode of Grey Anatomy’s was all about why we make life complicated. I dont know the exact reason why we do such thing… Even if one wishes for a simple life, he still does something that will get him entangled in several problems.

What is a simple life anyway? Is it really free from pain, complications… and sufferings? How would I know, I never gave myself a simple life. I always make things difficult for myself. I am not being a masochist for choosing this… Perhaps, i chose this and that because I want to prove something to myself… to live with my idealism. Oh yeah right, Idealisms! What idealism am I trying to live with? To make a difference in this world - the overrated idealism. How can I make a difference? By teaching young people… who dont even care to listen to me most of the time… whom I have to remind for the nth time to go back to their seats and keep quiet… who thinks they own the world… they are the boss. How I wish… I could do something about it… I know, I know I can do something about it… and I am looking for that way.

Sometimes, i think I have chosen the easiest way to die… I am dying each day. So what am I proving anyway? That I can die too… and thats the hardest part to realize… that I am actually dying. (my light is dying… )

(this too shall pass, I know… Things arent working well as of the moment… and I feel like I just banged my head on the wall. So much for "ideal" choices… so am I taking everything back? I still have seven months to decide.)

just thinking of all those pending work makes me want to get some rest… but then i still cant force myself to sleep or do what i am supposed to do.

Saturday has been busy. We still have to attend to this seminar that ran the whole day… Though, the good thing is Ive learned a thing or two from the seminar. But most of all, I now feel so much pressure to do something about disciplining my students. They are not afraid of me because I really dont get mad at them. Students nowadays are too restless and have short attention span. Ang hirap nila imanage sobra that oftentimes I find myself out of voice. As in pumipiyok na ako para marinig nila ako… wa epek pa rin. Nagiisip na ako ng paraan para magpay attention naman sila. Frustrating kasi na they dont listen at all and then they get below passing marks sa exam. Pag ganun pati ako nadedemoralize. Parang feeling ko I am not doing my job at all.

Kaya ayun ang dami ko pa talaga dapat matutunan at iaayusin.

Buti na lang nakapagrelax naman ng konti kanina… nalibre ng sine. Nakakaiyak pala ang Click. Though I missed the Friday gig of Urbandub at 6UG. Hay miss ko na manood ng gigs. Miss ko na kumanta…

I am a Grey's Anatomy fan, i have said that for many times... Anyway, here's a song from that series.

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol  

We'll do it all, everything, on our own We don't need anything or anyone 

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lay with me And just forget the world 

I don't quite know how to say how I feel Those three words are said too much They're not enough 

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lay with me And just forget the world Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life 

Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace to remind me To find my own 

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lay with me And just forget the world Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life 

All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes They're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well I just know that these things Will never change for us at all 

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lay with me And just forget the world

here's the MTV link - http://youtube.com/watch?v=NNZV2C5bpmA&search=snow%20patrol%20anatomyAng Snow Patrol lagi malulungkot mga kanta... ung isang kita nila sa old album nila sobrang lungkot din..

I guess this is where i have to stop everything. I have to make an extra effort to stop whining about my indecisions and my doubts… uncertainties. God, I am too old to always whine over these things. This is so overrated already. It’s not that this is something new. So… as I make an extra effort to stop complaining about everything, I have to go back to what I love doing most… to keep on thinking of my idealisms and dreams… and to enjoy this so-called life.

Anyway, one of the things I love most is listening to music 24/7. And I have several LSSs for the past few days. Ewan ko naadik ako sa Beer ng Itchyworms. Maybe because I have seen them perform this song live for several times that it stuck inside my mind. But this is a funny song… Most of the people could relate to this song because we sometimes turn to beer when we are in despair, brokenhearted… hehehe

Nais kong magpakalasing
Dahil wala ka na
Nakatingin sa salamin
At nag-iisa
Nakatanim pa rin
Ang gumamelang
Binigay mo sa`kin nang tayo`y maghiwalay
Ito`y katulad
Ng damdamin ko:
Kahit buhusan mo ng beer ayaw pang mamatay

Speaking of beer, cheers to you, dear Sis! Happy beerday! Happy 33rd! More life, more laughter, more beer… (kamo na lng galing tagay damo, di ko na kaya haw… low alcohol tolerance gid ya) Kanta na lng ta ah!

And here’s another OPM song that I love listening to, Barbie Almalbis’ Dahilan… Nice nice song

Alam ko na ang pangalan mo,pati address at telepono
Sa daming kwentong umiikot,alam ko
Na rin ang ayaw mo

Ngunit lahat ng ito ay walang kahulugan
Kung di rin lang ikaw ang matagpuan
Ang pag-ibig ko ay walang saysay
Kung di rin lang ikaw ang dahilan

katapusan
matagpuan

At ito pa ang isa, ang Sabihin Mo Na ni Top Suzara, sobrang naLSS ako dito. must be the fact that I always hear it on TV basta My Girl. Hehehe… di ko nga lng masyado pinapanood un.

Gusto kong magpaliwanag sa’yo
Ngunit di kinakausap..
‘di inaasahang diringgin mo
Nakatingala sa ulap..

responsibility sucks…

- Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

I could very well relate with today’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Most of the time, I am tired of living as an adult. Just like Grey, I wish to stay as a

child since you are not really expected to take charge of your life. There’s your parents who take care of you. And as a child, you are expected to play

rather than make a living or face responsibilities.

The episode also tackled about looking beyond the surface… in short, dont judge the book by its cover. There are reasons why a certain person acts

this way… That’s why it’s important to know the person very well before making any judgements or prejudices.

It also said something about knowing when to talk and how to handle sensitive and crucial information that will surely affect someone’s life big time.

Sometimes, i find myself staring blankly at anything that I can lay my eyes on. How many times do I find myself saying that I am lost and wishes to

just evaporate to escape from all of these? So many times that I can barely count.

I certainly find myself at times saying that I hate the responsibilities I have chosen to face… If only I could take some of them back and move on

without feeling burdened or guilt. But things don’t work that way…

Before I even decided to accept this new job, I thought I could handle whatever that comes my way. However, I now feel like I am so mistaken… that

I just deceived myself for believing that I can do this. I am lost… and yet, I cannot just back away because of this responsibility. That as an adult, I

have to stand by the decisions I have made.

There’s still time to fix certain things… right now, I am weighing the things or actions I have chosen. I am reflecting on the path I have chosen

because I believe somewhere I’ll find my way…