sun
It was sundown. I waited for you to come out of the cottage… Darn,
I always expect… I expect you to walk by me by the beach… watch the
sunset. I hate it… I hate it… I lingered by the cottage steps for a
while, still waiting for you to join me. You did not… and I was quite
disappointed. I left… started to hurriedly walk away from the
cottage. I almost want to run toward the beach shore.
I saw kids
scampering out of the water as their moms, dads, or yayas gathered
them. One kid stopped by me and made a funny face. I smiled at him…
He still did not stop making that funny face. I started down the water,
letting the surf touch my toes. The sunset is beautiful… Shades of
orange blinded my eyes. I wish I could paint it with words as perfect
as it is now. But I couldn’t… the way I couldn’t say in words what I
really feel for you. I frowned at the thought of me having to keep this
from you. I wish this would fade away just like the way the sun sets to
make way for the stars. Fade away to make way for something else. I
slightly turned my head to see if you followed me. Still you did not.
Darn
it… you are supposed to be contented with just loving him in silence,
i told myself. How can i do that? I can no longer keep this to myself.
Darn it… Darn it. I started to walk again. Maybe if I walk… I’ll
forget. I’ll forget i love you… and i couldn’t tell you i love you
again. You know that i love you, don’t you? I told you once… when I
learned to muster courage. I thought you love me the way i do. You said
i love you too anyway. But the thing is you love me differently. And
that truth crushed me. I walked until i reached the edge of the cove.
Still you are in my mind. I couldn’t take thoughts of you off my mind.
I remember everything… I remember how our eyes would meet… how your
eyes would sparkle everytime you talk about something amazing, funny. I
remember how you would eat like a little kid… the way we sit in
silence side by side while eating ice cream. I don’t know how it all
started. I don’t know when and how I fell for you… All i know one day
I couldn’t stop talking about you… thinking about you. Each day, I
see something in you…. Each day, I find myself falling, falling for
you… until I couldn’t deny it anymore. This is not good… I know…
I
closed my eyes… felt the breeze touch my face. I pray to the universe
that i’ll learn to be just happy with what i have. I still have you…
as a friend. that’s all right… And I won’t runaway from this… from
what I feel for you even if you cannot reciprocate what I feel.
April 12, 2005 (a short story never finished)
